I asked my mom the other day why I had the best sleep I've had in months and she simply replied:
It's because you're home.
I guess that was all the answer I needed. Cuddled under my white 1950's chenille bedspread atop my early 1900's hand carved wooden bed, with Fudge curled up at my feet and Alaskan sunshine pouring through my open window, it shouldn't surprise me that this is where I have my best rests.
That's home for you. And I've gotta say, it's good to be back.
It has not been an easy move to California and despite world-class hurdles and many tear filled and isolated pity parties in my room (which I still continue to struggle with), I’ve had an opportunity to sit and look back on my five months in Cali from a different perspective, from the comfort of my home.
Being back in the hometown that raised me and with the people that remain my #1 biggest supporters (Mom, Dad, Fudge), I've had the chance to relax and look back on all my time from a relaxed and open-minded perspective.
I just took one big risk, moving from the comfort of home to the traffic clogged often brutally hostile parts of the city, a risk that has tested my strength and confidence in myself.
It was a big risk, but what I didn’t realize at the time and what I’m now accepting was that even though it was a risk, it was a healthy one.
See, healthy risk is the true muscle of confidence building. Moving from a familiar place that spoiled me and raised me to the woman I am now and landing in a new territory 3000 miles away got me out of my comfort zone, which enabled me to stretch myself and my expectations. That move, unbeknownst to me, was an example of my strength and unbeknownst to me, it was a mature decision that should’ve built my confidence.
Instead, I focused on all the negative, having a poor attitude and not trusting myself and my decisions. As a result of this narrowed mindset, I became trapped, stuck, and insecure with who I was.
Perspective is a powerful filter and like the blinds I use to let the Alaskan sunshine pour through my windows every morning, it's time that I let them up and start to see the world from a different point of view, one that isn’t deterred by my lack of confidence and insecurity.
I am in a unique place in my life where I can continue to struggle with my situation and my negative mindset, or I can change it. I have all the power here.
Feeling sad, depressed, confused, pitiful, insecure and low all the time is exhausting and it's not who I am, nor whom I’m meant to be.
As usual, it took a trip home to splash my senses and appreciate just how good I’ve got it in California and how much stronger and wiser I'll be once I come out of my funk and see things with new eyes.
In the meantime, I'm going to soak up every last minute I've got in this spendid and cozy home of mine, and I'll continue to let that Alaskan sunshine pour through my window, reminding me of the brave choice I've made to see things from a new and improved perspective...