Amidst an honest and overdue crying session, I whispered to myself, you need to write.
Which brings me here to you now.
Everything is good, going well, I'm just at that time of month when things feel especially sensitive and all the little insecurities that have found themselves tucked away come out for a guest appearance. I'm alone, I'm bored, and that combination breeds the perfect storm for me and my feelings to come together in one big, wet, ugly, crying mess.
I loathe to even give this particular subject the time of day, but it needs to be talked about, as it is part of my personal process of healing.
Maybe you don't want to hear about my ramblings, maybe you're curious, maybe you've also been through what I'm about to share, but regardless, I'm glad I have you as an audience, even if that audience is me.
See, there's this mantra that's been my anchor the past few years.
I first heard it at the end of a yoga class I went to. And as we lay there in shavasana, on the precipice of peaceful sleep, a quote was spoken. It immediately caught my attention and I repeated it to myself until I got to the car to write it down.
I will forgive, heal, and release anything that is holding me back from my truest potential of love.
It has been my saving grace in the best of times, and the worst of times. I've repeated it to myself in the shower, whenever I'm on the edge of tears (which is often, nowadays), I've said it as I drifted to sleep holding myself in a lonely embrace, and it remains my phone's screensaver, a reminder whenever I need the inspiration.
And I've needed it these past few weeks, let me tell you. With everything in general, yes, but it has specifically been helpful in my love life.
Love is a battlefield, am I right ladies?
(just to clarify, I wasn't in love with any spoken individual about to be mentioned)
There have been two individuals in which I've had to forgive, heal, and release in order to move forward, and lstarting that process was difficult.
Their numbers remained in my phone, their contact photos remained present in my messages, and our conversations plagued me whenever I got lonely and decided to reread them. Our relationship remained cordial over social media and I found myself struggling to get over them when they remained on the edges of my mind and still heavy in my heart.
One of these boys was a coward. An indecisive, passive, and confusing guy who couldn't be honest with me about what he wanted. Did he or did he not want to have sex? Did he want to remain friends with me even though we didn't live in the same city? What the hell was our relationship? He couldn't even decide on a bottle of wine for us to drink!
The other one of these boys broke my heart real good. This guy was also confusing about his feelings and intentions (I didn't even know he liked me romantically until the sixth date when he asked to kiss me in his bed in the dark and literally out of the blue). He was sweet, gentlemanly, friendly, and yet he lacked basic communication skills. He turned me down in the bedroom (boy that was a stinging rejection, coming from a guy), ghosted me, half-heartedly attempted a get together, and then just disappeared from view once I called it off.
Boys really know how to play with your feelings, don't they?
I out of all people don't deserve participation in that kind of game. I'm kind, I'm sweet, sensitive, I love with my whole heart and I don't understand how I'm always the recipient of rejection. That was the one thing I was always scared of as a little girl when it came to guys, and look at me now, stacking up experiences that always seem to end in heartbreak.
For the sake of healing, I have to share what got me through it.
As hard as it was to even consider forgiving, healing, or releasing them from my life (let alone all three), I knew it had to be done in order for me to move on.
The first part: forgiveness. That part was probably the hardest. After the cycle of hurt, anger, sadness, and reconciliation, I had to forgive their actions. Both of them are boys, young, immature, and undeserving of all the love I carry. I can't blame them for not being able to handle all of this. And I forgive them for how they treated me, for my experience with them made me better, wiser, stronger.
But forgiveness also meant forgiving myself. I blamed myself, my actions, questioned what I did wrong, what was it about me they didn't like, and I had to come to terms with the fact that nothing I did was at fault. I am who I am.
The second part: healing. This came with a lot of honest crying. Crying is good, it gets things out that shouldn't be contained. Your tears eventually run dry and you move on. With healing comes focusing your thoughts on other, brighter, more beneficial subjects. For me, this included moving forward at work, spending more time with friends, and allowing time for my heart to put itself back together.
The last and most important part: releasing. I never believed in "forgetting" about it and squashing it like it never existed. Sure, I'm like every other person who has parts of them they keep hush hush, but thoughts are there for a reason and what you do with them determines what happens next. How will you let them effect you? There will inevitably be reminders of them everywhere, like a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that has his school's name, or a coffee order that has their name, but instead of letting the reminder consume me, or instead of forcing it down, I like to imagine the thought like a cloud passing by. And I acknowledge the cloud, let it float past, and then it's gone. That to me is what releasing something is.
Releasing also involved deleting messages, phone numbers, and connection on social media. Removing the temptation to stalk them when I’m weak and reading their messages when I’m lonely helps. Why continue holding parts of them in my life when all they do is remind me of the pain they caused?
This personal mantra of mine remains the singular focus whenever I'm struggling with something that isn't adding positivity to my life, or contributing to love. Love for others and love for myself.
These boys were playing with my emotions, leading me on, ghosting me, and they eventually just broke my heart.
But I'm healing, slowly, and that's the beauty of the human heart. It can shatter over and over again and yet piece itself back together.
How powerful is that?
There is no one cure for getting over someone, for different methods work for different people and everyone's situation is unique, but I encourage anyone going through something like this to remember that if the person is holding you back from your truest potential of love, remove them. It's hard, don't I know it, but going through this mantra, this process, has been the healthiest cure for me.
I have the ultimate power in choosing who remains in my life and if they're not good for me, I'll forgive, heal, and release them.
I'm still a long way from fully moving on, but I'm making progress. So I thank you for being an audience, for my tear stained face that whispered you need to write was write on (pun intended). Saying this out loud needed to happen. It's part of releasing and as a result, I’m one step forward in moving on.