cake.

a song to set the scene // pretty girl rock by keri hilson

It all started with a look in the mirror and a call out into the living room.

“Hey! Do I have a nice cake?”

For those who don’t know, a “cake” is a reference to one’s ass, behind, rear, tooshy, badonkadonk, butt, however you’d like to refer to them cheeks.

Historically, I have always believed that my “cake” resembles that of a very thin, very flat, pie.

Whilst I was gifted with other generous assets, I went about my life truly believing that I was always gonna be that girl with a bottom that doesn’t exist.

But, you “grow” through life’s changes and the other day, I looked in the mirror and would you look at that: I had a nice cake.

Initially, my concerned gem asked : “Umm why do you ask?”

Probably assuming that I was looking for assurance that my cake wasn’t a deflated balloon (which I’ve referenced it as before), I proudly said: “I have a nice cake.”

Confidently checking myself out, turning this way and that for a glimpse at my very fine cake, a feeling of guilt quickly washed over me.

It’s a familiar feeling, especially in reference to one’s appearence and self-esteem.

Because as high as I was, those feelings of awe and admiration faltered.

Old insecure thoughts snaked their way into my subconcious.

How dare she think that about herself?

Memories of comments and insults about having photos of myself as my screensaver flooded me:

You must be really conceited.

Who do you think you are?

Decades of guilt, embarrassment, and belief that thinking positive things about oneself was considered selfish, narcissistic, and egotistical, appeared.

Years of attending a school that lambasted individuality and bullied those who strove to stand out haunted me.

And once upon a time, I would’ve deflated. Would’ve talked myself out of believing I had a nice cake and walked away, sad and tired.

“Butt”, like I said, you “grow” through life’s changes, and with physical growth also comes emotional growth (both puns intended).

I was lucky to be born with physical attributes that made me stand out. Being the tallest woman in the room always drew eyes my way, and as easy as it would’ve been to shrink to the standards of society, I chose instead to take those comments and insults and build them as a part of my tall girl armor.

I have a nice cake. I also have legs for days, curvy hips, voluptuous boobies, luscious lashes, and thick hair. I am emotional, kind, and have a dad’s sense of humor. I love all those qualities that make me who I am and as much as I want to backspace those compliments because a part of me still feels it’s selfish to think that about myself, I won’t.

I know there will be times when I falter, when those insecure thoughts threaten to rupture what I have built, and I accept that. But I think as often as those insecurities appear, it’s just as important to embrace those times when your eyes don’t deceive you and you truly see yourself as you are: beautifully built.

Rupi Kaur once wrote that “… the trillion dollar (beauty) industry would collapse if we believed we were beautiful enough already.”

And maybe we can change the beauty standards, push that the beauty industry should focus on enhancing what’s there, not making us believe we’re not good enough. Challenging the idea that beauty is achieved through changing who we are to fit someone else’s idea, I believe that true beauty, real beauty, is inherent, and comes from within.

It’s confidence, self-love, and damnit, it’s embracing that cake.