Ghosted.

I have this thing where I cling onto people that no longer want me. 

Despite being lasvisioucly led on, despite being made to believe I'm worth their time, despite being lied to, manipulated, and eventually left standing on the edge of the cliff watching them sail away on a boat without saying goodbye, I continue to hang on to the idea that there's hope for a future between us.

Even when I know deep down that the right person wouldn't have me doubting the potential of our relationship, I have this uncontrollable urge to give them the benefit of the doubt, even through the obvious warning signs wringing my heart. 

It's a perfect pattern, and I've fallen for it every time. 

I meet the guy. Typically, in the embryo stages of getting to know each other, he seems perfect. He's nice, polite, engaging, and genuinely appears to care about me. I don't routinely "date" guys, for I appear to have this curse of scaring them off only after a few get togethers, and so this is the most important stage of making a good impression. 

During that period of time, I've fallen. I have a sensitive heart and it’s never known love like that and so when attention is directed my way, it settles in and I can't help but attach myself. It's made especially easier when it’s reciprocated, as I’m led to believe they feel the same way. 

And then?

They're gone. Just like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. 

Throughout my dating life (can I even call it that?), I've been stood up without warning, blatantly ignored, apologized to for “being busy”, and regardless of the status of whatever relationship we’re in, I continue to be abandoned without warning or reason. 

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. In fact, it's practically been the only consistent thing I've ever experienced with guys, the one similarity. Nearly every relationship I've had with men, no matter how short lived, has ended with me being ghosted. 

So there's little old sensitive me, wondering what the hell happened with the boy she thought cared for her. No form of communication seems to get through to him and I am left not only heart broken and confused, but forced to put together reasons why I was ghosted in the first place left with no proper closure. 

Generally, the reasons I come up with have to do with me. Specifically, what's wrong with me. See, when guys ghost me, they either 1) don't have the balls, the cajones, or the guts to be honest about how they feel with me or 2) they don't want to confront and communicate, thinking it's better for all parties to just kind of disappear from the picture. It’s their “polite” way of turning me down when they’re not interested. 

Except it's not better for all parties.  

From a woman who's been ghosted too much in her short dating life, it has the worst and most devastating impact on my self-esteem. I fear going into relationships because of the possibility of being ghosted, I don't trust guys, and I doubt the potential for a real and true relationship with someone. 

From one of my favorite poetry books, "there's nothing more confusing and painful to a woman than being told she's amazing by a man who treats her like she's not good enough to commit to. and the saddest part of it all is that this woman will fight to prove her value to the one man who doesn't even deserve her."

You can probably assume that this has happened to me very recently (it has), and what I've realized is that the longer I hold onto anything that isn't good for my soul, the colder I'll become. This includes people, and if they aren't adding a positive impact on my life, or if the guy isn't cherishing me like the goddess I SO obviously am, it's time to move on.

Being with the wrong person who doesn't have the courtesy to communicate with me why they don't want a relationship is a time suck and it drains my heart. Every time I reply to their texts and forgive them for "being off the grid", I prolong the process of moving forward and finding a real soul mate. 

In the most recent case of being ghosted, I stood up to the guy and let him know how his actions were affecting me. I cut it off before I officially becoming the ghostee and I feel better because of it. 

Ladies, life is too short for us to waste our time dating humans that are incapable of caring for us the way we need and rightfully deserve. It's time we stood up towards the individuals who deem it acceptable to ghost on someone without warning or reason, and it's time we realize early on that if there isn't fireworks flying every which way, then it’s time to find someone who does give us those feelings. The person we fall for should be someone who comprehends and reciprocates the love we provide, not be a coward about communicating their feelings.  

The more time we spend on these soul sucking individuals, the more time we waste in finding someone who will really care for us and complement who we are. 

I won't be ghosted any longer. I can't put my heart through that painful cycle again and I certainly won't fall prey to assuming I was to blame in their abrupt and immature departure. 

With that, I'll pour myself another glass of boos and look forward to the future, one free of ghosts. 

All The Things I'm Not?

Today, with my cheetah print scarf tied primly around my neck, I was told by many that I looked like a flight attendant. 

I wish I could say that the compliment surprised me, but I've honestly heard it before, many a time. 

I've also been told that I sometimes look like a model, how my mannerisms are that of a mom, how my voice is made for commentating, that I have a princess-like disposition, but could also be an evil witch, and in the same breath, I'm compared to Wonder Woman. 

So many identities, so many possible versions of me.

So which of them am I?

For a long time, I've molded my identity by the things I am not. 

Not in a relationship, not as successful as some of my friends, not having a "big girl job", not popular on social media, not someone guys lust after, and I've forgotten all of the things that I am.

See, society tricks us into thinking that we're not enough. The media plays on our self-esteem and targets messages and adverts towards the things we don't have and the things that we aren't. 

Aren't sexy, aren't fit, aren't desirable, aren't successful, and as a result, are not happy. 

They manipulate the masses into thinking that we'll never be fully satisfied, whole, and satiated without dieting and exercising, without this trendy new outfit, without a high number of followers on Instagram that's acceptable to have, and without this tips and tricks to snag the guy of your dreams. 

These people work day and night to exploit our vulnerabilities whilst getting fat on our craving for a quick fix to help our self-esteem. 

Every day, I find myself jealous of the little things I don't have, whether that be physically, mentally, or spiritually. It's subtle, but it's there and I have this insatiable thirst that I can't quite fill. It leaves me wanting more, but more of what?

What I'm realizing is that my identify, my person, and my being, isn't factored by all that I'm not. It's characterized by all that I am. 

The books I read, the music I listen to, the clothes I wear, the things that make me laugh, that make me cry, that make me feel, the experiences I've had and have shaped me into the woman I'm meant to be, these are all the marvelous bits about me that make me... me.

Life for me begins when I decide to stop living the way I'm told to live. Our lives are our own and when we're constantly comparing and searching for the unattainable, we'll continually let ourselves down in the search for satisfaction and validity. 

We've got that power within us already and we don't need outside help. 

In response to today's comment about looking like a flight attendant, I say thank you. Because that's the brilliant thing about being human: you can be all of these little things. I can look like a flight attendant, act like Wonder Woman, smile like a princess, and walk like Cardi.

We are a myriad of intricate, soft, powerful, and eclectic qualities that make each and every one of us unique in our own way. 

Society doesn't dictate our own beauty and worth, we do. And if we believed we were beautiful enough already without the titles and manufactured expectations, the industry would fall.

With that, I'll welcome you aboard the flight. 

Flight to where?

Acceptance. 

Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but I promise you it will be worth it in the end.